When we were merging our families, we had 6 kids {#7 came along later}, and there were some things I did well, and some things I wish I had done differently with my stepkids. But I always tried to be intentional about building those relationships. Over the course of the last 20 years of being a step-parent, I’ve learned a few things. 

So here are 5 things you can do to strengthen the relationship with your step-child. 

1. Ask them questions about themselves.

What’s your favorite color, food, place, car, etc.?  What do you want to be when you grow up? What are your favorite subjects in school? Where would you like to travel? If you won a million dollars, what would you do with it? Where do you like to shop for clothes? 

I’ve heard it said that “asking questions equals love”. Showing an interest in your step-children will let them know that you want to get to know them better, and that they are important to you. Peeling those layers off the surface generates a bond that is deeper than the superficial small talk, and also gives you some information to tuck away for later {such as an impromptu shopping trip to their favorite store!}.

2. Spend quality time with them. 

Take them on a shopping trip, or to lunch, or on an ice cream date. We had 7 kids in our house, so taking them individually took some logistical planning and extra time, but sometimes we would take a couple at a time, or sneak in a quick Starbucks run between things. Spending time with your step-children will give opportunities for discussion and mutual understanding. Save the hard talks for when you have your spouse’s presence and support with you. But enjoy the lighthearted topics of discussion, and find common ground in it. If they are quiet, tell them a funny story about yourself, try to make them laugh, or tell them a dramatic story about something that happened to you at their age. Or simply get them their favorite treat and enjoy their company. Talk about traditions they’ve enjoyed for the holidays, and ask if they’d like to do one or two of them this year. My girls and I started a special tradition of bundling up, hot chocolate in hand, and going to pick out a Christmas tree as a family. This was always special to them, so we kept that going in our new family. One of the traditions we brought from Wayne’s side of the family were worship gatherings in our home. These became important traditions for our blended family to continue, and they created great quality time and lasting memories. 

3. Support them in everything they do. 

Go to their baseball games, their choir concerts, help them with their lemonade stands. Be present and engaged in their daily life, and show them that you are happy to be there. Is your spouse’s ex there? Be kind, and don’t feel the need to play a parent role … simply enjoy supporting him and cheering him on. 

Is your step-child working hard toward a goal of some kind? Ask how you can help, or if you can offer any encouragement. Take it as an opportunity to build her up, to tell her how proud of her you are. Does she need help with homework? Or guidance with a project? Or does she just need someone to talk to? Maybe she’s not telling you she does, and that makes it tough, but you can check up on her each day, if you sense something’s going on that is bothering her.  Just don’t give up. Your support and consistent check-ins will mean the world to your kids, even if they don’t show it right away.

4. Be kind to your step-child’s other biological parent.

It’s an extremely delicate dynamic to navigate when there are children from a previous relationship, and an ex to see at weddings and birthdays and graduations. Even drop-offs and pick-ups can be very awkward. We’ve done soccer games, choir concerts, award ceremonies, graduations, funerals, and weddings…and I can tell you with confidence, it is your decision how those things go. Walk into those situations with an attitude of kindness and determination to make it a positive and healthy experience for your child. Your step-kids’ other parent may be just impossible to get along with. Perhaps they try to make you miserable at every turn. Well then you’ve got an opportunity! Take this opportunity to show more love. More grace. 

“LeAnn, you’re saying I have to be nice to that monster? I can’t do that!!” Well, because it’s for the sake of your child’s emotional health, I encourage you to dig deep, and try. 

The kindness you show to their other bio-parent will speak loud to your step-kids, and teach them by example. Even when it’s hard. Try your best not to let them see conflict. Just grace. 

5. Teach them about Jesus. 

Perhaps they already have a relationship with the Lord. Create teachable moments as you help your child develop and strengthen their relationship with Christ. If they are very young, or if they are not yet believers, your example of Jesus’ love and grace will be instrumental in their lives. Look for opportunities to extend grace and build them up. Something we tried to do but could have done better is having a regular devotional time as a family. We would find a good one and it would flop. We’d make up our own, and it wouldn’t be as effective as we’d hoped. What we failed to realize is that it doesn’t require an actual written devotional to reach your kids for Christ. Even a prayer time with a regular weekly schedule is one way to bring the family together and pour into them. Read God’s Word together and use scripture to point your kids to Jesus as the answer for our every need. Take your kids to church and get them involved in a children’s or youth group. Send them to church camp and Vacation Bible School. Have dinner time discussions about what God is doing in their lives. Point them to Christ when they go through hard things like breakups and friend drama. There are many “everyday ways” to teach our kids about Jesus, and it’s the kind of instruction that will impact them for eternity. 

Closing Thoughts

One important thing to remember is that it doesn’t have to be perfect. You will have good days, and awkward days. Times of bonding, and other moments where you feel like strangers. It is a bit of a roller coaster, but by marrying your spouse, you agreed to get on that ride! So enjoy life with your step-child, whether you are new to the step-parenting life, or have been married to your spouse for several years. As your kids grow, you will always have new things to learn about them, and new ways to invest in their lives. 

I hope these suggestions are helpful to you! Please leave a comment below, and tell us what has worked for you in your family! Also, please leave any questions you’d like us to answer! We’d love to hear from you!

And if you haven’t seen it yet, be sure to check out this article, Remember How Much You Love Them, HERE!