You may be wondering what gaslighting even means. It’s a pretty contemporary word, and its usage has gained a lot of traction in recent years. Here is Merriam-Webster’s definition of gaslighting:
“Psychological manipulation of a person usually over an extended period of time that causes the victim to question the validity of their own thoughts, perception of reality, or memories and typically leads to confusion, loss of confidence and self-esteem, uncertainty of one’s emotional or mental stability, and a dependency on the perpetrator.”
It’s a particularly dark form of manipulation, and it’s not pretty. It’s refusing to take responsibility for your actions and placing the blame on someone else. And it’s a control tactic that’s used to cover insecurity.
The question is, though, does gaslighting happen in marriage. And more specifically… is it happening in your marriage? And what does that even look like?
Here are 4 behaviors that might show gaslighting is present in your marriage:
- Projecting Sins
- Denial
- Lying
- Using the People You Love Against You
Projecting Sins
This is a classic gaslighting move. And it’s a hyper-defensive play to avoid the spotlight of accusation. A gaslighter will habitually throw their accuser’s own past sins in their face to get the focus off of themselves. If this sounds like something you do… I’m sorry to tell you, you’re gaslighting.
Denial
Denial is a pillar in the gaslighting playbook. This is a special breed of denial, though. It’s denying something you know that you actually did. It’s lying. And the typical responses you’ll hear are, “I never said that!” or “I never did that!” But it’s in the relentless vehemence of the denial that the ugliness of gaslighting rears its head.
The offender knows that if they deny the accusation long enough their spouse will give up the fight. That’s their intention. And sometimes they take it way too far. They’ll turn it on their spouse and accuse them of being crazy. Or they’ll say they’re losing their memory. And sadly, their spouse will actually begin to question their own sanity, to some degree.
So, if you lie in denying what you’ve done, or you accuse your spouse of these things in this manner… you’re gaslighting them.
Lying
This goes hand-in-hand with denial, and it’s cut and dry. Gaslighters are blatant liars. Have you ever been in a conversation with someone who you knew was lying? Yet, because they were so persistent you began to believe it? Then more than likely you’ve fallen victim to gaslighting. And this sort of behavior toxic in marriage.
If you lie to your spouse, you’re gaslighting them. Plain and simple.
Using the People You Love Against You
Here’s an example: Your step-son is acting out and being very disrespectful to you when your spouse isn’t home. You’re upset about it and when you tell your spouse about it they turn the focus onto what one of your kids did to them. There’s no affirming your feelings or addressing the problematic behavior of their son. It’s just a spiteful deflection of responsibility on their part. And a refusal to try and affirm or assist you in any way.
Blended family or not, if you’ve ever responded this way to your spouse, you’re gaslighting them.
Closing Thoughts
Gaslighting is toxic and sinful behavior, and it has no place in a marriage. In fact, unrepentant sin can destroy a marriage. If you find yourself doing things like this and you would like to stop, the first thing you must do is acknowledge it. Then you should confess it and repent from it; both to God and to your spouse. Consider seeking professional help. Schedule an appointment with a therapist. In my view, it would be a logical next step toward helping you break out of that destructive behavior
Wayne Thomas
Wayne's passion is in helping men unlock their potential as husbands and fathers. He and his wife created Anything Together to share their story, with the hope that it would encourage other married couples and help them grow in Christ. He has a Masters degree in Divinity and Pastoral Counseling from Liberty University.
